


Break Through

by PaleGlow



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Character Study, Forced Fusion, General interpersonal drama, Imprisonment, Kissing, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Misunderstandings, Other, Relationship Problems, Unresolved Tension, lack of consent under non-sexual circumstances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4372037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaleGlow/pseuds/PaleGlow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lapis lied about her escape from earth. Now that Jasper knows the truth, everything is a mess. (A sequel to Scratch the Surface. Will slowly branch off from their canon relationship into something more "AU" as the story moves forward.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo this is the follow-up to that sweet, cute fluff piece I wrote called Scratch the Surface. While I had a great deal of fun writing the fluff and happy scenes for that, no story addressing the relationship between these two would be complete without some examination of the darker angles.
> 
> Takes place between The Return and Jailbreak. Primarily in this chapter I wanted to explore some of the thoughts and memories Lapis might have been dealing with during the events of Jailbreak. With that in mind, please be aware that this really is a darker piece than its predecessor.
> 
> (On a brighter note, though, the overall arc is not meant to be a sad one. So just hold onto hope with me! We'll get to the happy ending.)

_“Just a human,_ Lapis? Not one of them?” Jasper’s voice carries through the ship, echoing even louder than the sounds of her stomping feet. “You _lied_ to me!”

“N- no, Jasper—I didn’t—I….” Lapis begins to defend herself, but when Jasper stops pacing and turns towards her, the look on the bigger Gem’s face freezes her voice in her throat.

“You obviously _neglected to mention_ the tiny detail about that _‘human’_ having Rose Quartz’s power. _And_ her gem!” Jasper’s fists are clenched at her sides and her eyes burn with rage, but something else lurks beneath that, hurt and afraid. “Because that’s the human who let you out of the mirror, isn’t it?”

“Y… yes.” Lapis keeps her eyes on the floor and nods. “He _isn’t_ the same as Rose Quartz, though. And his _name_ is Steven.”

Jasper frowns at her, eyes narrowed in confusion for a moment, before she shakes her head and begins moving again, back and forth across the hall. She reaches up to drag her hands through her hair and groans as she nearly tears out a fistful of it. Lapis wrings her hands together in front of her while she watches, twisting her fingers around themselves as her mind wanders back to their return to the ship.

\- - -

Jasper had slung the unconscious Steven over her shoulder to carry him, and commanded Peridot to collect the fallen Ruby and Sapphire. The brief glance she had given to Lapis actually seemed _more_ disdainful than the one she’d turned on Pearl and Amethyst. The last two Crystal Gems had surrendered without a fight, helpless without their leader. They whispered heatedly to one another, their eyes never leaving Steven’s limp figure, as they were herded onto the ship.

Lapis trailed close behind Jasper as the prisoners were each dropped off in their cells, listening while Peridot crowed excitedly about their success. Once all of the Crystal Gems had been contained, Jasper had turned to face her two teammates, frowning. Peridot’s gloating had faded into silence as she watched the bigger Gem in confusion.

“Peridot. Go check on the power core and then wait for me on the bridge.”

“What? But I—Jasper!” The other Gem had begun to protest, huffing indignantly. “Why would I need to check _that?_ We don’t have that far to go now. Those Crystal clods are out of the way, so why don’t I just bring us down in the Kindergarten? I can _finally_ complete my mission without them poking around and destroying my things!”

“Go. Check. The power core.” Jasper’s voice was low and dangerous, forced out between clenched teeth.

Peridot hadn’t argued after that, though she still gave a scornful snort before she turned on her heel to leave them. Once she was gone from sight around a corner, Jasper’s full attention had returned to Lapis.

\- - -

Jasper stops pacing again, and the sudden silence pulls Lapis’ attention back to the present. The fighter Gem looks quickly from one end of the hall to the other. Lapis keeps her own eyes fixed on Jasper's face. Then all at once, the bigger Gem startles her by reaching out to grab her hand and tug her along. Although she’s grown used to finding comfort in Jasper’s touch, it seems bereft of pleasure this time, affectionless and cold. Lapis allows herself to be led along the corridor anyway, bare feet slapping gently on the tile while Jasper’s boots slam against it just as loudly as ever.

She knows before the door opens where they’re going. Jasper drags her inside their cabin and, as soon as the door is closed behind them, releases her hand like a hot coal. Immediately the bigger Gem begins pacing once more, crossing the room again and again and yanking on her hair as she walks. Feeling small and suddenly vulnerable, Lapis watches from near the doorway and balances her weight on her heels as she leans against the wall behind her, to curl her toes up beneath her feet. Her arms wrap around her, drawing her shoulders forward.

“You _lied!_ Even if… even if—ugh!” Jasper lets out an explosive yell of vexation and stops walking, but never even glances at Lapis. “What am I supposed to tell Yellow Diamond? Why couldn’t you have just _mentioned_  encountering Rose Quartz—at least _once_ —in any of your reports?!”

That feeling is back, stinging and unavoidable: guilt. Lapis clutches her skirt in her hands and bows her head to avoid Jasper’s gaze as it finally falls onto her again. She bites down on her lip to try and focus her thoughts on the pain. The rest of her mind is swimming with mixed anger and despair and remorse.

Jasper’s shadow appears at her feet.

Lapis slowly lifts her eyes again, letting them linger first on the other Gem’s boots, then on the fists clenched at her sides. She stares for a moment at those hands as memories of a dozen moments flash through her mind: the ecstatic delight of feeling soft fingertips on the small of her back, of gentle hands squeezing her arms, of harsher scratching nails, and of the delicious, rough way they would drag across her damaged skin and leave her gasping in excitement.

Those hands are twitching and shaking now—with what she can only assume is a powerful desire to strangle her.

Her own mind is a complicated swarm of emotions as she struggles to settle on _something_. Part of her wants to lash out furiously at Jasper for being angry with her. Another part would sooner fold into tears and apologies, begging forgiveness. Still another would be just as content to turn away and flee the problem entirely, ignoring it, hiding until it passes. Logically, of course, she knows that the wisest course of action would be to calmly explain everything. She can’t make her lips cooperate with that idea, though, as every one of a dozen emotions fights to make itself known in her.

Finally, as she drags her eyes up to Jasper’s face, she’s struck with an unsettling flash of surprise. Soft lips she can remember kissing are now twisted and hard with suppressed anger, which is perhaps to be expected. The same fierce rage lingers in Jasper’s eyes as well, but more evident and more disconcerting than before are the fragments of betrayal and apprehension beginning to pierce through. Lapis shakes her head and wrenches her eyes away with a scowl.

Feeling guilty had been bad enough, but the look on Jasper’s face feels like some new and deeply unfair kind of torture. Anger and apathy reluctantly give way for the moment to regret and confusion. Still, she chews her lip and says nothing at all.

“Steven, Rose Quartz…. Different, or the same…. Lapis, you _knew_ something. You knew that human had her powers, and _you didn’t say anything!”_ Jasper stands over Lapis for a moment and frowns before she simply turns away with a grunt. “You… didn’t even tell me.”

“I know! I… I’m sorry!” Lapis takes half a step forward before faltering and burying her face in her hands. “I just didn’t want to see him get hurt. I… owe him everything.”

Her words are met with only silence, and for a moment, Lapis can’t bring herself to look up again. She eventually lowers her hands, though. The littler Gem is surprised when she finally lifts her gaze again to see Jasper standing directly in front of her, close and leaning down to put their eyes on a level with one another. Those broad shoulders are still shaking with barely contained emotion, but the fury in her gold eyes has faded.

Jasper extends a trembling hand to brush the hair out of Lapis’ eyes, and another flood of emotion washes over the smaller Gem. The feeling of those gentle fingertips against her face, so much like the first touch between them in this very room, weakens her knees as well as her willpower. She blinks back tears and looks away with a sigh.

“He really means that much to you?” Jasper’s worry and frustration are mingled with curiosity, and when Lapis turns away, she retreats to her chair on the far wall with a shrug. “Why?”

“He… he _talked_ to me, Jasper. Even when I was in the mirror. He talked to me… like I was… worth something _more_ than how he could use me.” Lapis stares down at her hands and stumbles forward to sit on the edge of the chair next to Jasper’s. “He talked to me like I wasn’t just a tool. And he _listened_ to me… like you’ve done for me. Here on the ship. I think he actually _cares_ about other Gems. He’s nothing like Rose Quartz and her traitors.”

For a while, the two of them sit together in silence. With a brief glance upwards, Lapis notices that familiar look of confusion twisting Jasper’s features. She shifts her attention away again before the other Gem can glance over to catch her eye, and curls her fingers around the folds of her skirt again. She can’t bring herself to explain anymore to Jasper and only purses her lips together.

“You… you still should have reported it to someone.” Jasper runs a hand across her face, fingertips rubbing over her gem before dropping down to her lap. “Lapis... why couldn’t you have said something about it to _me_ , at least?”

“I _told_ you!” Lapis flinches at how loudly the words come out, and pauses before she speaks again, voice lowered to half a whisper but still tinged with frustration. “I didn’t want you to hurt him. And all you talked about, when it came up, were the terrible things that you had planned for Rose Quartz and her army.”

“That was… before I knew there were only four of them left.” Jasper’s voice is low as her shoulders heave upwards in a resigned shrug.

Lapis opens her mouth for an instant to say more, but quickly closes it. She wants to argue more, wants to tell Jasper just how foolish and frustrating, and how unfair, she’s being. Instead she returns her gaze to Jasper’s face, meeting her eyes with a worried frown and once again keeping quiet. Jasper looks back down at her for a few seconds before quickly snapping her eyes away again.

“Yellow Diamond isn’t going to understand why you lied, anyway. Even if she does, it’ll only make you look weak.” Her anger seems completely drained by now, replaced with a shaky, fearful indecision. “You should have included it in the first report you filed, as soon as you were home… but you didn’t… because, what, you care about him? Why? Because you think he cares about _you?”_

Lapis’ brows slide upwards at the tone of Jasper's voice then, as her eyes widen with slow realization. It seems suddenly obvious—the way Jasper had spoken before, about the newer generations and their single-mindedness, about all of the changes to Homeworld after the rebellion, and about the way utility had become such a definitive aspect of this new Gem society. Remembering the cool and calculated behavior of the other Gems Lapis had reported to when she was back on Homeworld—and how she’d felt very much like she was still no more than a tool to them—nudges all the pieces into place. She shakes her head with a sigh.

“We… aren’t supposed to care. Are we? Not even about other Gems.”

“Homeworld is what matters. Individually, no. But what’s best for all of us, yes.” Jasper’s normally rough and expressive voice is suddenly flat, and she stares at the floor now, no longer looking at Lapis. “They would expect me to do the right thing.”

“The… right thing?”

“Arresting you.” Jasper sits up straight and brushes a hand over her hair. “The right thing to do is to arrest you and turn you over as a suspected traitor along with the Crystal Gems.”

“But—I—Jasper! I’m _not_ one of them! I told you where to find them! Remember?” Lapis feels panic and rage rising in her throat like bile but she swallows it down to keep talking. “I’m not a traitor! I do care about Homeworld! Of all of us, I may have the most reasons to hate the Crystal Gems. Please…. don’t turn me in as one of them. I don’t care about those traitors at all; you can’t say you think that I _am_ one!”

“You aren’t one of the Crystal Gems, Lapis. You never fought for Rose Quartz in the wars. I know that.” Jasper’s lips are drawn tight across her teeth in a grimace and her gaze remains fixed on the wall across the room as she speaks. “But you care about that human. And he said it himself. He _is_ one of them. We can’t just decide to… protect him… the way you did.”

Slowly, Lapis nods. Again, she can’t seem to make her mouth work the way she needs it to. She still wants to argue, but gradually the futility of it all begins to weigh on her. Instead she stares at her hands with her head reeling, and says nothing.

“Lapis… I… I’m sorry.”

Her eyes slide up towards Jasper’s face just in time to see the Gem leaning towards her. A soft kiss is pressed to her lips, and she feels a heavy pair of hands taking hold of her own smaller ones. She doesn’t move as Jasper’s thumbs gently stroke the backs of her knuckles. Lapis is compelled for an instant to yank her hands away from Jasper’s, but she disregards the feeling and moves slowly instead.

“Jasper?” Her voice is small but hard as she withdraws from the other Gem’s kiss, her eyes still fixed on their hands between them. “Will you… try to protect Steven? To help him for my sake, at least? Don’t let them hurt him.”

Red and orange fingers tighten for an instant around slim blue ones. Jasper’s brow slides down in a disapproving scowl. Still, she gives a little nod and sighs. The bigger Gem releases Lapis’ hands to turn and stand up, only to start pacing back and forth again.

“I can—… I’m sure I can find a way to explain all this. I can try to tell it so you don’t look like a _complete_ traitor. We’ll tell them you were confused after being trapped for so long. Those earth Gems brainwashed you.”

“I wasn’t, though. And they didn’t.” Lapis protests sharply as she folds her legs under her on the chair. “And even if you make me look loyal to Homeworld, that still means leaving Steven to whatever fate they have in mind for the rest of the traitors.”

“It’s the best I can do, Lapis!” Jasper growls and falters in her steps. “Maybe once you’re acquitted, _you_ can convince them that he really isn’t the same as Rose Quartz. We just have to be careful between now and then… We have to do everything right. If we do it this way, you’ll be fine.”

The smaller Gem nods and crosses her arms over her chest. Remaining balanced on the hard edge of her chair, she considers her options. Home isn’t what she remembered, but it’s still home. A pang of fear and melancholy sticks in her gut, though, as she imagines going home for good only to end up trapped all over again. Her doubts continue to prickle in her mind, questions circling about everything she’s learned so far.

She could be punished as a traitor and a war criminal if Jasper is wrong. She could well manage to earn her freedom, as far as they’ll give it to her—which, when she considers it, was never all that much in the first place—only to watch Steven suffer at the hands of Yellow Diamond. The possibility, after all, of Jasper saving both her and Steven from punishment on Homeworld seems too unlikely to even hope for.

“I…. hn.” She sighs at the look on Jasper’s face: a hopeful, fearful, uncertain mess of emotion, probably more weak and pathetic than she’s ever seen the warrior Gem look. “I suppose it’s worth a try.”

Jasper stops pacing to look at her with a smile, fear beginning to fade from her expression. After only a moment, though, she starts walking again as her face twists back into the same frustrated pout. Lapis tilts her head and watches for a moment, fascinated and repulsed by the complex display of emotion on the other Gem’s face. Finally the reason for all of Jasper’s awkward vexation becomes clear and Lapis releases another sigh.

“You… still have to take me prisoner. We won’t see each other again after this trip, and you’ll have to keep me locked away the whole time.”

“I—yes. I do.” Jasper lowers her gaze as sorrow and lingering frustration meld into a deeper frown on her face. “It won’t be so bad, though. I’ll come and talk to you, I’ll check on you every day… and you don’t _know_ that we won’t see each other on Homeworld after this. Maybe we will. We just have to get you out of this trouble you’ve put yourself in, first.”

Lapis narrows her eyes and almost speaks up at that. Jasper is, of course, lying to herself, as well as to Lapis, and it’s painfully obvious. They’ll never see each other again after they reach Homeworld, no matter the outcome of their return. On top of that, the little Gem can barely muster an ounce of happiness about going home, let alone be truly excited for it. Rather than speak up to point that out, though, the she just sits back and watches Jasper in silence.

“I’ll think of something to tell Peridot. She doesn’t understand any of this mess, anyway, so maybe we can even spin some of her reports in our favor.” Jasper stops pacing and faces Lapis, determined now, and looking halfway confident again. You just have to… you know. Play your part. Be good. And I promise I won’t let them hurt you.”

“Right.” Lapis nods slowly and keeps her voice as even as she can. “Or Steven?”

“Or—Steven.” Jasper hesitates for a moment at that before she nods in return. “I can’t make any promises about him. But I’ll do my best.”

For a moment, Lapis considers lashing out as a new feeling of helplessness and outrage begins to overtake her. She wishes she had more options; she wants to scream and throw things and make her anger _known_. She wants to yell at Jasper and force the other Gem to see through her own lies, to make her recognize the abject hopelessness of the real situation. She narrows her eyes again while she searches for something cruel to say as her final act of resistance. Instead, though, she nods and forces a shaky smile.

“Of course.”

Jasper offers her a hand and a smile in return. Lapis reaches out to take it and pulls herself to her feet. There is more pleasure in the touch than the last time, but somehow it still seems like little more than a ghost of the way she remembers it.

The walk to her cell feels like an eternity, but when it’s over, she wishes it had lasted even longer. She dreads, more than anything, seeing more of that maddening weakness in Jasper’s eyes as they part. She wishes they could simply skip saying goodbye for now, but it seems inevitable. They stop together in front of the empty little compartment, and for a few seconds, neither of them moves or speaks.

Lapis stares into the tiny space as she waits for some profound emotion to take over; she expects fear, or even panic, and if not that, then at the very least it seems like she should feel sadness. Instead she only feels a strange, numb desire to be alone. Even Jasper’s hand seems to be miles away from her now, rather than clinging tightly to her. When the bigger Gem releases her, she feels that too, but through a haze of distraction and distortion that seems to actively resist her focus.

Her narrow fingers shake and her arms feel light, but her legs feel heavy and broken. Her knees refuse to bend. She pushes through it, though, and sets one foot in front of the other without looking back. Then again. Before she can take a third step, Jasper’s hand on her arm stops her, and she turns to face the bigger Gem, stiff with apprehension. Jasper stares at her and hesitates for a moment, before all at once wrapping both arms tightly around her.

She feels her feet leave the cool tile floor, and the soft, comforting pleasure of being hugged close to her companion’s chest. For a few seconds, everything is clear and she even feels content as a smile tugs at her lips. Then Jasper presses a rough, hungry kiss to her mouth, and in that instant Lapis  _remembers_ why she enjoyed the other Gem’s company. Her anger melts away into the kiss and she almost feels a touch of Jasper's hope herself. Finally, the Gem releases her once more.

As her feet hit the floor again, what was left of her strength shatters and her legs give out beneath her completely. Jasper’s hands clutch her shoulders and hold her upright, long enough to guide her gently forward into the cell. For one jarring instant, everything is in sharp focus around her, but then those hands are gone, and the fog obscuring her mind starts to seep back in. Lapis lets herself collapse this time, barely noticing the look of worry on Jasper’s face as she sits heavily on the cell floor.

The bigger Gem kneels down before her, and puts a finger under her chin to lift up her face. “Hey. Brat.”

She looks up, biting her lip again to keep from lashing out or bursting into tears. “What?”

“You’re going to be _fine_. This isn’t like the mirror. It’s just a few days, and I’ll be here for you. You _are_ going to make it through this. Alright? I’ll make sure of it.” That finger glides up to brush over her hair again before withdrawing, and Lapis understands all at once that the bigger Gem is only trying to convince herself. “Try not to go crazy in here, okay?”

Somewhere on the ship, she hears a distant sound of singing. The sad, shaky smile on Jasper’s lips strikes her as insufferably weak, and for an instant she can only stare at it in silence. Something inside her rises up again, ready to break through her calm façade with sharp disgust and cutting words. She shakes it off and offers a jagged mockery of a smile in its place.

“I’ll do my best.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis lied about what she had seen on Earth. Jasper gave her a chance to make up for it. She took that chance, but she didn't really do with it what Jasper expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in the follow-up to Scratch the Surface. Things are getting darker. I hadn't really planned to add a new chapter to this, but when I wrote the situation with Malachite, it seemed to fit best here.
> 
> Takes place after Jailbreak (and more or less during the events of Chille Tid). I originally meant to wait until we had seen more episodes featuring Jasper and Lapis' relationship before writing more in this little series, but, hey, I'm impatient. Most likely future chapters will start to branch off into AU territory.
> 
> This was meant as an exploration of Malachite (from Lapis' perspective) and a look inside beyond what Steven saw.  
> (Side note: I was really unsure about some of the formatting here, so... if it's weird or uncomfortable to read, please let me know and maybe I can find a new way to do it.)

**_What are you doing?! We had them!_ **

_We didn’t have anything! I never did!_

**_Just—let me go!_ **

She feels Jasper’s anger and frustration with a clarity that matches her own. She feels everything Jasper feels. Despite her efforts to keep walls up between them, to keep herself apart, Lapis remains aware of every shift and dip in Jasper’s mood… just as she knows the other Gem feels hers.

When Jasper is angry—which is most of the time—her rage is full of threatening promise and destructive potential. These little problems are trivial, though, and they only serve to strengthen Lapis’ own resolve. She remains determined to keep a tight grasp on her captive, brooking no opportunity for resistance nor escape. Jasper’s desire to break free, to wreak havoc and retaliate against the Gems who’ve wronged her, only serve to feed Lapis’ anger and her own bitter feelings of betrayal. They make it easy for her to hold the other Gem down without mercy.

It’s never Jasper’s anger that threatens to break Lapis’ resolve.

It’s her fear.

When Jasper’s rage quiets and the screaming protests subside, those are the times when Lapis feels her willpower begin to crumble. She feels an uncomfortable familiarity in the sinking despair and feelings of cold terror. She hates the way it feels to share old doubts, to recognize echoes of sickening worries—the fear of being trapped forever. Sometimes it’s almost enough to make her want to stop.

Lapis knows fear as well, of course, but it isn’t the same as the lingering traces that creep in from Jasper’s emotions. She fears a loss of control. Something else waits, underneath the fear and the rage. She feels it, as she knows Jasper does, tugging on the edges of her mind and trying to take charge. She can feel the way Jasper’s limits are breaking, and she can tell the other Gem is losing it—giving in to those persistent dragging forces at the edge of her mind. Lapis Lazuli cannot let herself give in that way.

Without control, she knows, she would be trapped as surely as what she’s done to Jasper. If she should give in and relinquish control, she fears, the other thing will take over in her place. She has no reason to imagine that it would let her go after that. Instead, all she can do is hold on tightly to what dominance she has, and keep as much of it for herself as she’s able to maintain.

She never expected it to end up like this. The chains she’d intended to keep Jasper in place have begun to subsume Lapis herself. The irony is almost too much, and it makes her want to scream; her readiness to take a prisoner of her own has _already_ left her trapped, no matter how great her illusion of control.

She can’t remember what she had expected, but she is sure that it wasn’t this. She couldn’t have prepared herself at all for the twisted, emotionally exhausting tug of war she’s being forced to play at now. She’s losing track of the places where Jasper ends and the other thing begins, but it doesn’t matter so much anymore because they’re working together now to break her hold and pull her down.

Her mind isn’t fracturing at the edges, like Jasper’s has done. Regardless of how hard she fights to keep it whole, though, she feels herself slowly washing away. Like any piece from a broken mirror, tossed and pulled by ocean currents, her edges are wearing down. As they do, she feels her strength beginning to fail, her chains still consuming her bit by bit, her sharp mind dulling and softening maddeningly. Tiny hollows form in her thoughts as their edges erode, a force of nature she can’t fight against. The less of herself she can keep a hold on, the more of Jasper she feels, sliding irresistibly into her consciousness.

The other Gem’s rage becomes ever more palpable, as does her fear, but Lapis’ own desperation is growing as well. Something is changing in the way they feel one another, and it is a deeply unsettling experience. She feels Jasper’s fear and anger and even regret, but now also the depth of the thoughts beneath them.

Her struggle to control Jasper continues, but it’s more challenging and more complicated than ever. She can’t seem to disentangle herself from the other Gem even in her own mind, and it feels like pushing Jasper down is only pulling her as well. The other thing, that separate awareness she’s felt from the beginning, is growing stronger in its influence. It has all but overtaken Jasper, and as Jasper seeps into her mind, she brings that ominous entity with her, one angry, splintered piece at a time.

No matter how fiercely Lapis tries to push her back out, she keeps trickling back in. Their thoughts and feelings are twisting, merging, churning together into an ugly, heated mess of muddy water, soaking through everything, everywhere. She wants to get away, but her very being has begun to swirl together with Jasper’s, and all she wants is to _GO HOME_ —but Homeworld isn’t her home, and the Earth isn’t either, and she doesn’t _have_ a home anymore, and she knows that! _Lapis_ only wants to be _free_.

She tries to repeat that thought again and again, in the hopes that it will drown out Jasper’s escalating stream of consciousness.

Freedom is what she wants. She wants to be free, and to owe nothing to anyone. She doesn’t need to **_WANT TO GO HOME_** and she’s not **_SCARED AND SORRY AND_** she’s _not_ going to **_JUST LET ME GO._**

Lapis doesn’t have a home to go to anymore, she reminds herself again, and that is one of the problems that has gotten them into this mess in the first place. It’s easy for Jasper to want Homeworld back, when she has a role, and a purpose there, and knows her place and _likes_ to give and take orders.

Jasper just won’t get out of her head, though, and she finds herself remembering Homeworld from her youth, the place it was before she went to Earth. Jasper clings to those thoughts, painting them with added details, throwing wide strokes of her own vivid memory into place. Lapis feels herself wanting it for a minute, so badly it makes her feel sick, and she remembers the fields and streams, lush grasses and wide rivers. Her thoughts take a bitter turn, though, to the way things are there now, and to the views she found upon her return: stagnant pools of water and packed dirt beneath towers and city streets.

Even so, for a minute, she **_STILL WANTS TO GO BACK, BECAUSE IT’S STILL HOME,_ ** and she wonders if she could _**GET USED TO IT, LIKE EVERYONE HAS,** _ but she notes once again that she has no place there. She thinks of Peridot, for a moment, and the cold, cheerless attitudes of the other Gems she’s met since she left the mirror.

The mirror.

Steven enters her thoughts unbidden, and Homeworld, for a moment, is gone. She recalls how hopelessly trapped she’d felt inside that mirror _**JUST LIKE HERE, JUST LIKE NOW,** _ and she thinks of the _hope_ she felt with him. The sweet little boy with the broken mirror who spoke to her, and even _listened_ to her, fills her thoughts for a moment. Within that instant, Jasper’s presence seems to clear out of her head like water falling through a drain.

It feels strange, to have such quiet so suddenly, but stranger still is the way Steven exists so suddenly and so clearly in her thoughts. She’s not sure how long it lasts, but for a time, he seems to be standing with her in her emptied mind, and she can’t begin to explain  it. When it’s over, when the thoughts of him slip away again, she’s plunged back down.

She slides back into the murky, frightening mire of her prior thoughts, so ready to mingle with Jasper’s. When they start to seep back in, they return stronger than before, seeming to displace a little more of Lapis’ own consciousness. It takes everything she has just to stop the onslaught, and to push the other Gem back again. The other thing is still there too, and it fights like an injured beast as it tries to work into the cracks and hollows of Lapis’ and Jasper’s minds. She wonders if it alone would have the power to break them both, given such a chance.

The notion terrifies her.

She feels Jasper’s mind, almost gentle next to the screaming, pounding, other presence. She feels a strange temptation to give up and let Jasper in. Opening herself up to the one, though, would leave her vulnerable to the other, and her concern for Jasper is surpassed by her own fears; she is already trapped but she’s not ready to let herself be totally subdued.

Before she has much chance to consider her options again, she feels herself pulled up, like a gasping fish dragged out of water, once more. Steven’s voice is clear in her mind this time, when nothing else seems so distinct. Worried and confused, she struggles to return to her own thoughts again. Jasper can’t be left with the other thing, because it could break her—and if it does, Lapis will face it alone when she does go back again. She knows it could break the two of them with a chance at each unaided. She has to stop it.

She knows, too, that it could be a terrible danger to Steven, should it find a way to surface and seize control. She knows it just makes trouble when she thinks of Steven—when her thoughts turn to him and her focus drops away from keeping Jasper and the other thing under control. She knows that, whatever help he may think he can give, _he_ can’t stop what is happening now. He can’t save her or even help her.

Something laughs, huge and ominous in the background of their minds, and then Steven is gone again, and she drops back down.

This time it’s almost painful as she feels Jasper and the other thing flood back into her. Even though Jasper’s presence is stronger, her thoughts seem more scattered and less coherent than ever. The other thing is stronger still, and its hold on Jasper now is sharp and clawing and destructive. Lapis finds herself terrified by it. Wearing the vestiges of Jasper’s mind like armor, it turns its focus onto Lapis Lazuli, reaching out to steal into her and take her over too. All she can do is struggle to push them out of her mind, to shove both them out and hold them down.

She feels her thoughts swirling again despite her efforts, but now they turn to the Crystal Gems. Those Gems have **_NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU._** Her anger is bubbling up inside her, stirring itself into a blend of hurt and frustration and hopelessness. Strangely, what’s left of Jasper’s anger feels almost just the same to her. She doesn’t want to think of Steven again, to have him creep back into her thoughts. She can’t blame him because he **_LEFT YOU BEHIND_** on the ship, after she refused his help.

She still wants to keep him safe—the little boy with the broken mirror and a healing touch. She tells herself that that’s why she’s here. She didn’t do this to Jasper, or to herself, out of pure selfishness. She isn’t holding out against the monster she’s helped to create just because she’s afraid to become a part of it and lose control. It isn’t cowardice or fear or her own rage that’s keeping her going. She’s doing this for _him_.

 _Can she blame him, though, for being a Crystal Gem and for siding with_ those _monsters, after what they’ve done to her?_

She pushes down again on that anger, shoves Malachite deeper. (Malachite. That is the name of the monster she’s becoming.) It has all but totally consumed Jasper, and she knows it wants her next. She has to hold it at bay. She prays that it will give in before the last of her strength gives out.

She has to do it for Steven.

If one more thought of him pulls her out of her focus, though, she knows the return will be enough to finish her.


End file.
